The Real Me

Recently I went to the beach all by myself. I took a journal and a novel. I knew I needed to have an open discussion with myself to analyze where I was emotionally and how it was affecting my actions and mood and outlook etc. I was avoiding it, like if I didn’t go there and look at it, I could keep ignoring whatever it was and enjoy my self destructing behavior whilst blaming outside forces. Eventually I caved.

I opened that notebook and just started writing. I noticed that how I felt that day was a completely different mindset than when I’m motivated to eat right, keep my car clean and basically be in a take charge attitude. I wondered how I could be the same person with two extremely different drives depending on...... what?  I didn’t even know why I felt in a rut and not interested and jazzed about a healthy life, and why other times I was so on the path of righteous life coach mode, take on the world mode, I got this mode.  I sensed a serious dichotomy inside myself and wanted to know which one was THE REAL ME!

My epiphany came when I realized that I am inside both of them.  When I give in to the more negative version of me, my life patterns are different than when I am in high energy on life mode. Each one despises the other.  My own  thoughts tease me and say ‘hey, remember when you wouldn’t eat any cookies?  That was so dumb! Like, what was the point of that since you know you’ll give in and it won’t matter anyway.” Then my other voice would say when I’m in miss goodie tuschu’s mode, “How could you eat so much? You could eat a whole cake!”  You are way better than that now. That is the old me and I’ll never be that person again.”  There isn’t much love coming from either of those places.

The true me, my true inner voice is in there in the middle.  The “me” is my true self who wants to be the best version of me. The voice that believes I can achieve my dreams, that doesn’t belittle me and loves me unconditionally.  The REAL ME doesn’t react based emotion or hormones, or impulse. So can I learn to find my true voice in the cacophony of noise in my own head? I think so.  Well, I’m at least gonna try.

So how do I switch from bad habit Suzy to turbo Suzy?  It’s a decision. I decide I’m gonna “start Monday” and then I do it.  I do it for a while and then I feel it. Then I see results and it fuels my resolve even more.

So how do I fall out of turbo mode?  Many factors, but it comes down to permission to give in.  It sounds like “you’ve done so well, this won’t matter, you deserve it.” Which is hard because I believe in living with balance.  Not allowing myself to have a cookie ever sets me up to break rules.  I will rebel against my own self made rules. But I believe as I get better at listening to my own voice of reason, I won’t let one cookie turn into two weeks of giving in.

My big takeaway from that day at the beach is how happy I was to get to have found an answer inside of me. If I just stop to listen to my own self how much I can learn.  We look to a lot of sources for our answers, but I think if we open our minds and connect with ourselves, we will find amazing answers and direction.   I’m gonna work on listening and trusting the real me, and be in charge of my choices more and more, and see what amazing results may follow.

Next I’ll try and tackle the fear of becoming the best version of myself.

St. George Marathon Twenty Ten!

Oh man, I had no idea what I was in for.

Me and Julie who is an awesome runner who recruited me to her running group this summer. Waiting at the start. That fire put off alot of heat.

Finishing

My Fans

Yeah, I'm tired. I think I looked a little better at mile 1, this is mile 24.

Trying to push it a bit faster to the finish. Don't remember it being that hard last time to tap into the last surge of energy. I think the sun penetrated my skull too much and I was dehydrated big time. All the water they handed out was warm....yuck.

I hope I beat that girl. GOOOOO!

Julie and me both survived!

More Marathon

Leslie was nice enough to make me signs. I felt special.

Happy to be done. Wanted to fall over.

Love my medal

Hurry and save the moment before I puke. I felt so sick afterwards. The temperature was 80 or more when I finished. The last 10 miles were grueling and I wanted to cry when I finally finished. I went home and took my ice bath and shower. Then we went out to lunch because I figured I should eat, but that was a bad idea. I couldn't eat a thing and felt so nauseated for hours. Perhaps this will be my last one. I also saw the Goold clan in the usual spot and said hi to all. Nice to have family around.

Can you tell Lesie is proud of her signs?

Latest Race

We ran and completed our 13.1 miles race in Bryce Canyon on Saturday the 17th. It started at 6 a.m. and tempuratures were perfect. It was a high elevation, but lots of down hill. I got my best time of 2:06

Andrea and Julie from my ward who made me sign up for this race:) They are nice to let me run with them and try to whip me into shape.

They just put the 13 mile marker in and let us climb in the truck for a picture!

We arrived the night before and Got to see the finish line.

New Arrival

Leslie holds her newest niece, Ellie Mae. Travis and Angie had their first little girl!

7lbs 10 oz, 20.5" Born July 13th
New mom Angie and Ellie hooked up to 0xygen.

July 4th in Vegas

The free show at Caesar's Palace was very impressive. I was moved by the patriotic music that accompanied the fireworks. I sure love this country!
We had so much fun, but it was a zoo there...and soooo hot!

Sun Burst

Driving home from Zion

Duck Creek Camping

This is Duck Creek. We watched lots of people catch fish, maybe we should try doing it ourselves next time.
This is mirror lake, or the run off behind it. So pretty there.

Angie, Leslie and Travis

Lame pic, but yes I was there too.

This is our sweet set up. Very sunny site, but it was on the cool side so actually ideal. The heater wouldn't work at night without the generator, but we were plenty warm.

Mother in nature, mother nature.

Travis and Leslie found their way to their childhood cabin on the backroads. They enjoyed sharing memories of summers they had here as kids including 2 times their mom almost started a forest fire.

Travis and Angie. We had a pretty sweet camp site up at Duck Creek. No showers, but we took sponge baths and washed our hair with freezing cold water. See how good they look?

4 Wheel'n Fun

Angie was hoping the trip and riding would put her into labor....no luck, but she's super cute!

Leslie enjoys driving anything of course. She actually has good 4 wheel driving skills too.

Travis loves his new graduation toy.

The only way Leslie would go with Travis was if he let her drive. I was surprised he agreed.

I got talked into a ride although I'd rather be in the water than dirt. I am pretty scared of wrecking on the things since we do so much surgery on people who get hurt on them. Leslie is a good driver so I didn't worry. Then I went with travis and we went up to 60 mph! He's lucky he could breathe:)

Oh Those Campfire Nights!

My camera sucks for night time shots, but so fun around the fire I can't resist taking pics.
Or maybe it's just Leslie's glowing personality ruining my shots.

What an amaizng fire, whoever made that is amazing.

What a cutie!

May Visit Home

Things can get interesting after family home evening in my family. It looks like Mike (on bottom) is possibly winning, but Steve (on top) is crushing him and Mike's face was so red I thought it was going to burst.

Jeremy, Steve and Mike. Three of the best brother in laws. Scott and Brian had a Jenkins thing. They can be civil at times.

Alysha, Libby and Lucy

Now that's Lucy's past her crying phase which seemed to last a whole year, she is a pretty fun kid now and turning out to be darn cute!

May Visit Home II

Elena looks like she's ready to defend her little baby. I bet her hero is Moroni! The funny thing is she is smiling for the picture under that mask.
2.75 year old max is wearing his cake:)

Sammy and Alysha got to share a pool party for their birthday's since they are pretty close. Sammy six and Alysha turning 9. Those were some yummy cakes.

New kittens at the Wood house. Alison and Max enjoying the fur balls.

The parents drove me home. Tami is in the very back with Jackson in front because Tami decided she couldn't stand him anymore. By time we got home he was "that boy!" Super funny. It was an interesting ride, but not bad.