The Real Me

Recently I went to the beach all by myself. I took a journal and a novel. I knew I needed to have an open discussion with myself to analyze where I was emotionally and how it was affecting my actions and mood and outlook etc. I was avoiding it, like if I didn’t go there and look at it, I could keep ignoring whatever it was and enjoy my self destructing behavior whilst blaming outside forces. Eventually I caved.

I opened that notebook and just started writing. I noticed that how I felt that day was a completely different mindset than when I’m motivated to eat right, keep my car clean and basically be in a take charge attitude. I wondered how I could be the same person with two extremely different drives depending on...... what?  I didn’t even know why I felt in a rut and not interested and jazzed about a healthy life, and why other times I was so on the path of righteous life coach mode, take on the world mode, I got this mode.  I sensed a serious dichotomy inside myself and wanted to know which one was THE REAL ME!

My epiphany came when I realized that I am inside both of them.  When I give in to the more negative version of me, my life patterns are different than when I am in high energy on life mode. Each one despises the other.  My own  thoughts tease me and say ‘hey, remember when you wouldn’t eat any cookies?  That was so dumb! Like, what was the point of that since you know you’ll give in and it won’t matter anyway.” Then my other voice would say when I’m in miss goodie tuschu’s mode, “How could you eat so much? You could eat a whole cake!”  You are way better than that now. That is the old me and I’ll never be that person again.”  There isn’t much love coming from either of those places.

The true me, my true inner voice is in there in the middle.  The “me” is my true self who wants to be the best version of me. The voice that believes I can achieve my dreams, that doesn’t belittle me and loves me unconditionally.  The REAL ME doesn’t react based emotion or hormones, or impulse. So can I learn to find my true voice in the cacophony of noise in my own head? I think so.  Well, I’m at least gonna try.

So how do I switch from bad habit Suzy to turbo Suzy?  It’s a decision. I decide I’m gonna “start Monday” and then I do it.  I do it for a while and then I feel it. Then I see results and it fuels my resolve even more.

So how do I fall out of turbo mode?  Many factors, but it comes down to permission to give in.  It sounds like “you’ve done so well, this won’t matter, you deserve it.” Which is hard because I believe in living with balance.  Not allowing myself to have a cookie ever sets me up to break rules.  I will rebel against my own self made rules. But I believe as I get better at listening to my own voice of reason, I won’t let one cookie turn into two weeks of giving in.

My big takeaway from that day at the beach is how happy I was to get to have found an answer inside of me. If I just stop to listen to my own self how much I can learn.  We look to a lot of sources for our answers, but I think if we open our minds and connect with ourselves, we will find amazing answers and direction.   I’m gonna work on listening and trusting the real me, and be in charge of my choices more and more, and see what amazing results may follow.

Next I’ll try and tackle the fear of becoming the best version of myself.